How do you typically prepare yourself mentally and emotionally before engaging in a verbal exchange during a conflict at work? Are there any specific techniques or strategies you use?
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When you have conflict, there can often be a lot to it. It might not be one point of conflict, but a list of 30 things. So, I focus on the most critical ones. If this one thing changed, would it make a material impact? Maybe it's three things, but it's not 10 or 15 because that's too much for any ordinary person to handle. Some things you have to let go. So, we find the most critical items that we need to reach a consensus on or that we need to remove if it's a roadblock to moving forward.
I try to spend some time thinking through the main points I need to get across and look for the pitfalls that I know I'll fall into if I'm not careful. For me, that's having a response at the ready for any question. I remind myself to listen with an ear to understand and connect. Once I feel like we're connected, then I have a more thoughtful response. Sometimes I may not have a response, and that's when I say, "I need to think about this. Let me come back later."
The first key is to actually prepare for those conversations, especially when you know you're walking into a potentially high-stakes situation. I often ask myself, "How will I respond if this gets heated?" If I'm going to be giving feedback, I prepare it in writing before talking to the staff member. During the meeting, I also take time to prepare them to receive it. I ask, "Are you ready to hear some feedback right now? Do you trust that I'm here to give you this feedback in your interests?" They have the right to say if it's not a good time, and we can reschedule. But the secret really here is preparation.
I do a lot of visualization. I prepare for the meeting, anticipate hard-to-answer questions, and visualize the whole thing happening in a very positive light. It's been surprising for me to visualize myself into a positive outcome. I see the collaboration effort happening, people agreeing in the room, and it’s very helpful.